NewsWeak

Gleaned from the Alchemist's blog:

"This Newsweek thing is a fucking disgrace. The America-haters who control the rank and file media should all get the fucking gas chamber. These assholes LOVE to hate their country; they are the journalistic equivalent of Homer Simpson's "OH IT'S TRUE, WE ARE SO LAME." I somehow don't have that dose of self-loathing. Go fuck yourselves, the U.S.A. is where it's at. Notice all these multiculturalist NY Times snobs don't choose to live in socialist europe and contend with its dental and dermatological roulette and generally lob their lofty criticisms from old money perches. Fuck those guys, and fuck Newsweek. I will never read Newsweek again, it's on the blacklist with the Times. Newspapers are irrelevant anyway at this point, save for pictures of hollywood skanks and sportswriting/local interest. Nothing like NY Tabloid local interest."

Ahh, the Alchemist does love his celeb dish, and hates his limousine liberals. The piece of yellow journalism he was referring to can be found on newsstands now, so hurry up before they all get burnt for a weak anti-American statement.


Praise be to Allah and Newsweek, death to all infedels except liberal writers



This calamity has already been dicussed ad infinitum in op-eds and blogs already, so my take is terse: Newsweek's idiotic blundering, Baby-Sitter's club type of investivate journalism is the equivillent of telling a fat chick she's obese to her face. She already knows, but just doesn't need to hear it, as she can't face the emotional reality. BTW, how many Arabs subsribe to Newsweek? Is there an Arabic version? Can they even read? Are they that guillable? Can I paint myself brown and walk alongside them barefoot, proclaiming that Allah told me that American women are apt to donate their used undergarments to matress factories in Damiscus and Abu Dhabi? Will they believe that? As a personal protest to this fiasco, a bought a copy of the Koran and proceeded to flush it down the toilet for good measure. That was after setting it on fire, and relieving myself on it. No I didn't. Okay, I did, but didn't realize that it wasn't the Koran, but the Bible in Arabic. My statement still stands.

Trouble with hypochondria

Normally I consider myself a healthy fellow blessed with a robust immune system( having gotten noticibly sick all of two times in the past six years), but the presence of a potential infection site has me concerned. Coupled with a bout of "hour fevers" has me wondering if I have contracted HSV. Remote, but still, considering my high risk factors and those I consort with, makes it within the realm of possibilty.Though this falls outside the one-week window one is typically given to develop symptoms.Thinking back to a possible vector, I have to think it was the girl whose lip I chewed on in Kentucky (don't remember this, but that's what she told me after the fact). I assume that this was more bacterial than viral, but at this juncture is difficult to discern. I treated the site with Neosporin and await further developments, hopefully on the recessive side of things. If no progress is made, I'll switch to Docosanol, as well as taking a culture of my cells for study. When the bill is due, it's time to pay; such is the price of life oftentimes.

Clamming down

Noticed possible Nematoda in my clams for dinner. They were about 3cm in length,translucent, and symetrical to each end.Trying to recall my phylogeny, I assumed most marine-based ones are also parasitic.I couldn't detect the presence of a mouth, so perhaps my hypothesis was inncorrect. Not having an objective lens nearby didn't help matters. I contemplated keeping the specimens for further investigation at work, but instead threw them out, and continued eating the clams, hoping that any potential larvae were killed off by the steam from cooking. My physical hunger overrode any potential intellectual gains this night. Silly me.

Random Tip

Before I forget at some point, it is a good idea to carry a couple of hundred bucks hidden away in your wallet. Why Arm why? Becuase, silly, when you get sent to jail, you can bail yourself out (for a misdemeanor anyway). That way, you won't have to call you friends and have them not answer their phones at 5AM,leaving you with an overbearing sense of abandoment and regret intersecting at your morality to keep you company while you stew in the pokey. I'm all about convience here. Told to me by a wise man many moons ago. No truer words ever spoken.

My 2005 All-Amercian Antihero team, Candidate #1

Throughout the year, I'll nominate various individuals for one of 11 spots on my year-end AAAHT, with the winners to be announced at year's end. Several factors go into consideration for nomination: such as, I.performance on and especially(!) off the field or camera, II. Nature of crime or offense (including how offensive or bewildering the actions are to the general public at large), III. Defense of said crime/offense and finally, IV. Character behavior before, during and after above event. Without further ado, I present candidate #1:


Tom Sizemore


Till recently, Mr. Sizemore falls exactly between the ranks of A and B-listers in H-wood: keeping a brag sheet consisting the likes of Black Hawk Down, Pearl Harbor (I know!), Red Planet (where the scripters make AN ABHORRENT AND INDEFENSIBLE error in basic Biology), Saving Ryan's Privates-I mean Saving Private Ryan,True Romance and the uber-classic Point Break, amongst other notables. Though not able to carry a film on his owm, is more than able to contibute to the overall fabric of the movie, enhancing it, and blah, blah you get the picture. That being said, the man, like all good actors, has a bad cocaine problem. Points given here. More points for dating the Hollywood Madam, Heidi Fleiss, who in herself is no real prize except for the fact she was the posterwoman for the 'Razzis during the whole Charlie Sheen (a former member of the AAAHT) prostitution fiacso.More points awarded to his guilty finding of beating her (now who would beat a Madam? A prostitute, but a Madam? A rare feat). Her retort, besides charges, was the typical accusation of closet homosexuality. But what really makes Mr. Sizemore standout from the pedestrians is his blundered use of the WHIZZENATOR. Those not familiar with device , should note that the device is a phallic prothesis, typically filled with clean urine (does it come in any other options like sizes besides colors? So many questions!). A true trendsetter, this failed attempt at passing a drug test he was going to certainly fail put him and the object of his failure on the GD map. Today, all over America, atheletes, actors, and probationers everywhere are thanking Tom Sizemore for making their lives easier and safer for recreactional drug use. Onterrio Smith, RB, Vikings, was the next to endorse the product accidentally, filled with dried urine, to boot.I only hope he was caught with the white version, but the hilarity prevented mainstream media from reporting it. If you're going to burn, go down in flames. Tom Sizemore, meet rock bottom. This can only be topped off by some crack use or transsexual proposition. Good luck.

Fantasizing baseball

Fantasy baseball might be one of the best ways to devour the work hours like no other. Between e-mail, blogging,message boards and fantasy sports I accomplish as much as 10% of what's needed in a given day. Even so, that 10% is 50% more than the lobotomized drones that I am stuffed into an office with. Even if I operated at 90-99% peak efficency, I'd still manage to incite the wraith of my superiors by just showing up, as I rationalize it,so why bother with the excess? It's twisted Marxist thinking like this that led to the fall of the Iron Curtain and will lead to the closure of this ragtag facility one point, well, WELL, after I'm gone.


To my team:


As of this writing I'm currently in 1st place, uncontested.
C: Johnny Estrada, Braves. I hate the Braves, ever since they annointed themselves as "America's Team" and piped in all their games to cable America via TBS. Still JE hit for a high average in his 1st full year in the bigs last year and with his age, has a huge upside. Hitting, that is. I could give an eff how he calls games, but it helps his hitting then more power to you, literally.

1B: Phil Nevin, Padres. I was never down with this guy, as I'm never down with #1 draft choices in ANY sport, but seeing as how Yahoo gave CHASE MF UTLEY as a 1B choice, he was the best out there at the time. Phil if you get hurt, my depth at 1B is as thick as Clasita Flockhart's pinky, I WILL fly to San Diego and train you back to health, Micky Goldmill-style. I have no options behind you. You sir, are the wekest link. Performing OK as of late, though.

2B: Alfonzo Soriano, Rangers. I was always high on Sori, even after he ate it in the '03 playoffs. MAN ON FIRE, describes his #'s the past few weeks. I fully expect him to be a Yankee again at one point in his career. Some D-bag stated he can't steal bases, because...because...he's close to 30? STFU. Also my chief SB threat, legit chance at 30-30 year in, year out.

SS: Pedro Feliz, Giants. I don't really follow the NL all that much, mostly because when I was a kid, the ballparks were gross, and having the pitcher was boring. I'm saying this before I state I know nothing about the guy, except he's gotten PT while Bonds cycles off for a while. He's got two things in his favor: I-putting up huge #'s for a SS and II-is listed at 1B, 3B, SS and OF. Guys like this who get hot out of nowhere to open the gate tend to fade around the AS break, but night now I'm riding his train.

3B: Hank Blaylock, Rangers. Was a high draft pick of mine that got through. Why you ask? Becuase the Texas Rangers have a great, and storied history of juicing up their AAA prospects before sending them to the bigs, just like a juiced-up calf from the box before shipping out to the meathouse. I'm hoping for a big year from him, as he's starting off slow, but slowly gaining his power stroke. I think him and Mark Teixiera are the same person, really.

OF: Garret Anderson, Angels. They call him the poor-man's Griffey, except that he can hit. And has hit for the past 10 years. Good thing he was hurt last year, which let me sneak in and grab him for a bargain. I also think he lacks the ability to speak.

OF: Cliff Floyd, Mets. I'd really like to use this space as a staging point for the GROSSEST franchise in MLB, with the GROSSEST fan base, but it'll keep 'till later. Tough rooting against a team with two high-producing fantasy players, but this guy is putting up Dave Winfield, Mr. May-type #'s. Stolen off the waiver wire in the darkness of night.

OF: Hideki Matsui-san, Yanks. I thought this was great pickup by myself, as he can only get better and better as he adjusts to gaijin baseball. Think of all the honor you bring to your country; that and all the hot Geisha butt waiting for you at home.No wonder you play stones-out. Still, has slumped his way to my bench. Really in a rut right now and can't hit his way out of a wet paper bag. Most dishonorable, Matsui-san.

Util: Randy Winn, Mariners. Undervalued asset to any team. Right now, I think there are pitchers in the NL with more RBI's than him. Can steal a base, but was hoping for a good 20-20 guy in the mold of Jesus Damon, but right now can't start the guy.

Util: Paul LoDuca, Marlins. I have the great fortune of landing him as an OF/C, meaning I can use him any given day in any of five active roster spots, like days when Estrada is off or slumping, or is holding a hot bat and needs some AB's.More than decent #'s as a catcher, to boot. You know one day this guy is going to end up a Met. Even sounds like one. As soon as they trade David Wright for him when Mike 'Za retires to do shampoo commicals. Oh wait.

Bench: Juan Encarnación, Marlins. I'm not really big on the Marlins, but I give them credt for putting together a championship team in '03. JE was a big part of it, though, also slumping right now. Also, another pickup from the waiver wire. I just don't like telling people he's on my team. "Hey, you guys should pick up Juan Encarnación! No really, he pretty good! Juan Encarnación!. I feel like I lose a piece of my masculinity when I utter his name.

Bench: Ryan Freel, Reds. Some guy Yahoo gave me.That's the best way to descibe him, SOME GUY. Noone walks around Cincy saying, "Ohhh. Ohhhh! LOOK! RYAN FREEL!". Apperently he can steal, but not hit or start for Cincinnati. Gets minimal start time from me, as I am lacking in the SB dept.


My Murderer's Row of pitchers:


SP: Mark Mulder, Cardnals. I had him last year, and had him high on the draft board this year. Faltered quite a bit post-AS break, but still better than most. Helped me out with a fast start that hopefully will be maintained throughout the course of the season. Was ranked surprisingly low, pre-season.


SP: Tim Hudson, Braves. This is a guy I'm hoping for a huge year from. He's from the area, will probably enjoy playing in the NL, and enjoy being on my fantasy team even more, I'll bet. Together, only in the internet are Hudson and Mulder reunited. I've had a combination of Hudson/Mulder/Zito on my teams for the past few years, and every time, they've pitched me into the playoff.

SP: Jake Peavy, Padres. Once again, another steal becuase of his low draft status and the fact I had him before made him a desirable addition to my staff. Now the ace of the lowly Padres, I demand an absurd # of IP:K from him. Upside is enormous

Kingsdom of Heaven: a post-opening promotion

Damsel distressed


Let me start off by saying 20th century Fox dropped the ball on this one. For starters, they should have cast someone besides O. Bloom as the lead actress. Girls everywhere are bemoaning the loss of his signature blond locks, probably at the behest of moronic Fox execs who didn't want it confused with Troy, even though it takes place THOUSANDS of years later. Second, they unterestimated the power of bible beating middle America and did not market this as history remembers: the slaughter of Muslems and swordpoint conversions.Sad, maybe, but true. Look at The Passion of the Christ. Hollywood and the liberal media wrote off this section of the country until churches started sponsoring bus rides en masse to midmight screenings all across the south and Midwest. Lo and behold, TPOTC grosses well over $350 Million. But no, the "we must take this approach lightly and not offend anyone, even when just the mere thought production of this has already offended everyone east and south of Beruit". Dammit, let Mr. Scott work his thing and GTF out of his hair. I'll say this: go see the movie. The fact that the movie opened to just $20 million speaks volumes how the American Public knows jack about movies in general..BoxOfficeProphets.com attributes the weak opening to a case of jumping the gate too early. I disagree with that aspect, though they go on to state " I think you really have to look at the marketing, as it is getting extremely tired".Ridley Scott is the mastermind behind such epics as Alien,Gladiator and Blade Runner (the best sci-fi movie of all time-ask ANY scientist or anyone who knows a modicum about science). Mr. Scott, along with Michael Mann(another favorite of mine), is known worldwide for his wide-angle shots, particular attention to details, and genally tragic storytelling. If you were to use past history as a guide for the future you'd see this movie, critics and box office be dammned

Derby wrap-up

coming soon

My Old Kentucky Bone, or Cinco de Cinco de Cinco

Leaving for Kentucky in a few hours. No I have never been, but somehow in a roundabout metaphysical sense, I feel I've been training my entire exsistence for this event.This is purest cummulation of all the puking, fighting,arguements, cramp-inducing drinks,and sporting events I've ever had the privelege to attend or particpate in. Quotes like this leave me giddy as a schoolgirl after her first kiss:

"Absolute chaos is the way some would describe it. I have to call it the biggest drunken orgy I've ever been to in my life. Bar none, it's the best party I've ever attended. Almost anything goes."

Away I go. I wish myself the best of luck for the best of times.



The sun shines bright in the old Kentucky home
'Tis summer, the people are gay;
The corn top's ripe and the meadow's in the bloom,
While the birds make music all the day;
The young folks roll on the little cabin floor,
All merry, all happy, and bright,
By'n by hard times comes a-knocking at the door,
Then my old Kentucky home, good night!



Weep no more, my lady,
Oh weep no more today!
We will sing one song for the old Kentucky home,
For the old Kentucky home far away.



They hunt no more for the 'possum and the coon,
On meadow, the hill and the shore,
They sing no more by the glimmer of the moon,
On the bench by that old cabin door;
The day goes by like a shadow o'er the heart,
With sorrow where all was delight;
The time has come when the people have to part,
Then my old Kentucky home, good night!




The head must bow and the back will have to bend,
Wherever the people may go;
A few more days and the trouble all will end
In the field where sugar-canes may grow;
A few more days for to tote the weary load,
No matter, 'twill never be light,
A few more days till we totter on the road,
Then my old Kentucky home, good night!

An unamazing revelation

I feel the need to comment on this open-source fan fiction production of Star Wars. Let me say first, the CGI is good. As a man who was raised by videogames, the graphics are top-notch(almost).The production values are passable as well. However, the acting SUCKS. Bad. Like real bad. Porno actors can do better in their clothes. Fanboys' movies okay, fanboy actors, bad. I still have to salute their efforts, nonetheless. The movie takes place between episodes three and four and some plot device about a device with powers that people with powers want, but...etc, etc. One of the Jedis looks like the comic book store guy, the other guy looks like my boss(that's not good), one Jedi chick is passable as doable, the other is plain nasty. Finally the "Emporor's Hand" is attractive as Palpatine's ass. That's what they should have called her. Fat, ugly, and a bad actress. In fair warning, there's a scene where you can see her ROLLS under her tights. Dudes, there are no ROLLS in space, get it right damn you, for the love of all that is holy. The movie runs 40 minutes, and overall worth some time away from BS TV. If anything, it'll remind Joe American that Hollywood does put out a good production, on difffering levels. I'm now forming a plan for AvP fan fiction, which will undoubtedly feature great amounts of FIRE, BLOOD, and EXPLOSIONS, not necessarily in that order.

Been a long time...

Obviously I haven't posted here for various reasons-the only noteworthy one would be that I'm too effen lackadaisical concerning my efforts on this front.I seem to have this unwarrented phobia that this blogger server may crash any day, and all work past and future will be for naught. However,a journal of my comings and goings should override any latent reservations in this regard, as is why I'm typing this.

My last few months in sum (will expand on this, promise):
Went to Charlotte/Myrtle Beach for New Year's

My friend died, or at least faked his death in a believable fashion.

My friend's old roomate's sister tried to date me, but was intimidated by my good looks (swear this is true)

Spent X number of mornings digging my car out of the bloody snow going to my semi-purposeless job

Went to Harrisburg, PA to take my NREMT exam. When the yokels said "Y'all comeback now, y'heere?" I won't be back. Ever.

IRS wants me, and not like a priest wants extra altarboys, though I might feel like one after they have had their way with me

Released from probation (woo-hoo!). I'm now free to kil....I mean contribute to society again

Went to Montreal for a batchleor's party and destoyed any small shred of socially aceeptable morals I might have had remaining inside my head.

Got my basic SCUBA certification. This is the first step in meeting all the single and attractive mermaids out there

The marathon was just that for me in a literal sense. This was by far the best one, and I pat myself on the back for the intestinal fortitude to keep going for 14 hard hours. Drinking, not running....dolts.

I am an intellectual giant compared to the drooling Paleolithic men and women I sit next to in my class. My professor wants to send me to medical school, stat.

Have almost finished draining this burg of all useable resources and contemplating a move to another. I hold this town in my hands and now is the time to drop it and grab another by the veritable horns.

A friend has been diagnosed with aplastic anmeia. In short, his marrow is defective and needs and a transplant. His chances of a slow, painful death are somewhat high.

I have had SEX with serveral women is the past few months. Anonymous, unprotected SEX is the only way to go.

My TiVO is working so hard, smoke is coming out of it.

Deadwood is tantamount to a victorian play put on by cheap, yet somewhat articulated prositues.

Yankees' performance has my brother wiping his brow and stating "glad those bums saved me a few thou" referring to his non-exsistant season tickets.

Going to the Kentucky Derby tomorrow, god help us all.


My life is far from boring-I'm like a shark, if it stands still, it'll drown. I wait for no man.