My 2005 All-Amercian Antihero team, Candidate #1

Throughout the year, I'll nominate various individuals for one of 11 spots on my year-end AAAHT, with the winners to be announced at year's end. Several factors go into consideration for nomination: such as, I.performance on and especially(!) off the field or camera, II. Nature of crime or offense (including how offensive or bewildering the actions are to the general public at large), III. Defense of said crime/offense and finally, IV. Character behavior before, during and after above event. Without further ado, I present candidate #1:


Tom Sizemore


Till recently, Mr. Sizemore falls exactly between the ranks of A and B-listers in H-wood: keeping a brag sheet consisting the likes of Black Hawk Down, Pearl Harbor (I know!), Red Planet (where the scripters make AN ABHORRENT AND INDEFENSIBLE error in basic Biology), Saving Ryan's Privates-I mean Saving Private Ryan,True Romance and the uber-classic Point Break, amongst other notables. Though not able to carry a film on his owm, is more than able to contibute to the overall fabric of the movie, enhancing it, and blah, blah you get the picture. That being said, the man, like all good actors, has a bad cocaine problem. Points given here. More points for dating the Hollywood Madam, Heidi Fleiss, who in herself is no real prize except for the fact she was the posterwoman for the 'Razzis during the whole Charlie Sheen (a former member of the AAAHT) prostitution fiacso.More points awarded to his guilty finding of beating her (now who would beat a Madam? A prostitute, but a Madam? A rare feat). Her retort, besides charges, was the typical accusation of closet homosexuality. But what really makes Mr. Sizemore standout from the pedestrians is his blundered use of the WHIZZENATOR. Those not familiar with device , should note that the device is a phallic prothesis, typically filled with clean urine (does it come in any other options like sizes besides colors? So many questions!). A true trendsetter, this failed attempt at passing a drug test he was going to certainly fail put him and the object of his failure on the GD map. Today, all over America, atheletes, actors, and probationers everywhere are thanking Tom Sizemore for making their lives easier and safer for recreactional drug use. Onterrio Smith, RB, Vikings, was the next to endorse the product accidentally, filled with dried urine, to boot.I only hope he was caught with the white version, but the hilarity prevented mainstream media from reporting it. If you're going to burn, go down in flames. Tom Sizemore, meet rock bottom. This can only be topped off by some crack use or transsexual proposition. Good luck.